this relationship is going downhill. everytime i try to tell him how i feel or how we could fix it or what the problem could possibly be. he fucking acts like such an insensitive prick. “Okay” “Sorry” Ok” like real, is that all the effort you can put into our fucking relationship when you already know how much you already put in? the only fucking waste it is is the pity amount of effort you put into it til the end. and for that, i have no fucking words for you. “i dont like the internet. you like playing games all day” well you know, that fucking sucks because the only way we can keep in constant contact with each other is THROUGH the internet. and hes constantly worried about how i need to do my part and how i need to acknowledge that its my fault and not his. like are you KIDDING me? its not my fucking problem that you think that one on one time is the only way to spend time with each other. its not my fucking problem that you;re going to be mad if i tell my best friends when i need fucking help. its not my fucking problem that you fail to understand that secluding yourself from my friends is going to get you anywhere. when you can EASILY get in on the fun. its not even about not being an internet person, you think all these things when you’re wrong because you’re too stubborn to open up and understand.
we’re two years in this fucking relationship, and you shouldnt even fucking cry about stupid shit like this. clearly you dont trust me enough to do things. you don’t have the RIGHT to be jealous of me having more fun with them because THEY’REMY FRIENDS. you could easily be in on the fun too. we dont NEED to have fun by ourselves…
and at this rate, his stubbornness is the biggest factor of the downfall of our relationship.
I know I beat you down. But you haven’t once outright called me out for anything. After our arguments, I see you try really hard because you get in a certain way where I can tell that you are trying. I appreciate it. Not only because you’re trying but you deal with my possessive behavior. You changed so much since we’ve started and you handle things well. And I just wanna say that I’m completely grateful having you. And I wouldn’t want to have it any other way. This is your first time and my 3rd but you’re doing so well. You only see this side of me when we’re apart because when we’re together, its different. I’m sorry I get like this. I love you so much and even though I don’t say it often, I still think how amazing you are with everything. I love you, Taylor. I want to always be with you. You’re my closest friend and my lover. We may not be soul mates but why have that when there’s someone who goes through my hell just to try and be perfect for me. I’m sorry I don’t hold my end of the deal to try and make you happy. I’m so selfish, its always about me. But I want to let you know that I think things through after our conversations, after telling me what you think and think how amazing you are just to do that for someone who doesn’t want to deal with drama. I may not be the best towards you but you certainly handle it well. I love you, Taylor.
I know we have flaws, together and apart, but really. I have never felt so content with being with someone. I feel stress-free, happy, light on my feet. Its like being with my closest friends but with the extra kick of that giddy feeling. I love being around you. Even when we’re not talking and its complete silence, its peaceful. I enjoy it, its not awkward, it makes me cheerful. You have done so much for me and I haven’t given you much credit for what you’ve done… but don’t worry, one day I’ll work my way up to make you happy just as you have done me. And when that day comes, it will be just another day until tomorrow comes again.
I’m glad I met your family. Your mom, Seth, and Claire. Your pap, uncle Darren, your little cousins, and Bella, Luke, and Lincoln. I’ve only met them a couple times but they mean a lot to me. Its only because of you. The way you were with your little cousins was adorable. I wish I could be like that, have that kind of relationship with toddlers. I have no sense of touch with kids at all, but you made me have a new feeling towards it. Seeing you having so much fun with little kids, it made me really happy because it was a side of you I have never seen. With Seth, your mom, and Claire. It was amazing. And when you went up to your mom to tell her that your cousin thought that I was “Beautiful. Really beautiful.” She was in awe, it made me happy. I don’t know if its because of the holiday season or what but being with your family felt magical.
i want to be able to celebrate/hang out with my family for the holidays and do festive things. but all we did was sit around: my parents downstairs watching dramas and my upstairs playing league/watching anime. i didn’t even get a present. ITSSELFISHIKNOW…………………………………butwedidn’tdoANYTHINGrelatedtochristmasanditgratelyupsetsme. and when he told me all the things he was doing with his family, i got upset and cried a little because i wanted to do that stuff too with my parents. and i really should be grateful because my mom made pineapple cake and it was fucking delicious, but that was it. and i still feel hung up about it a day later because i’m really expecting something festive notjustexpectingtogetapresent. i wouldn’t feel this way if we did things together but we weren’t even in the same room majority of the day. it was basically a typical day, and it made me upset. i felt lonely. because mine compared to his, his sounds so much merrier. spending time together, eating together, playing/talking with each other, opening presents with each other. i wish i had that. the only thing related to the holidays that we ever do is if i want to put up the tree or stuff like that. i have to make that effort to make it festive because i want it to be. and i really wish they cared enough to celebrate but they don’t… so i’m upset to the point i want to ball up and cry. it makes me feel lonely.
i enjoyed going to his cousin’s birthday party because i got to experience what it was like and i really really liked it. so i could only imagine what it was like when they celebrated christmas… i wish i could have done that. but i guess pineapple cake will do.
haven’t vented in a long time. i guess i didn’t really find a need to anymore. but i guess the last thing on my mind relating to school is that i’m finally on the process of transferring and submitting applications to schools. not just ANY school. ART school, and i’m so damn happy about it. i feel like i’m finally coming at peace with myself because this is where my passion is. this is what i LIKE to do. not math and science.
i can finally get away from these people too. i have never been so independent in my life. but i guess that’s a good thing. i got opportunities that i would never have gotten if it weren’t for being independent. but i guess what i really wanted to say was how i never really had friends in the two years i’ve been here. it saddens me because everyone else has different interests, different motives and i can’t relate or connect to anyone besides complaining about how hard engineering is. i’m done with all that, i’m ready for my next step in life. i know i’m capable of making art, i know i have the passion for it. the only thing i lack is the experience and time.
Someone save me. I hate it here
so dave said that he’ll definitely get me a lambo if he rolls in money………… #win
update: dave is a faggot
i am literally fucking done dealing with people at this goddamn college. like honestly, you’re so fucking full of yourself. all you do is talk about yourself, your family, or some bull shit on twitter. “oh my gosh i can’t believe justin bieber did this! can you? if i was him i wouldnt be able to. that’s crazy!” um can you shut the fuck up. like oh my god, i can’t believe one of my bestfriends didn’t text me happy birthday until noon. like she had all morning, i was starting to get worried that she forgot that it was my birthday. oh my god. be happy that you even got a goddamn birthday wish. like you got these bitches sending you paragraphs, and you’re bitching that she sent you just a two lined wish? you spoiled little shit. these people fucking cling to each other because they’re pussies. like yeah, i cling to people when i don’t want to be alone, but they are literally just glued to eachother. omg. i can’t rant enough about these people because they do little things that just piss me off TO NO END. its a fucking dick move when you just leave me in the library alone to fucking go eat lunch together and didn;t even tell me. and you guys both fucking know that i was there. so um, fuck you. and your high-end needs. and um, BYE. like fucking honestly, no one fucking cares about your twitter shit about your shit ass celebrity drama. or your fucking family. and how theyre “crazy” and how you fucking think that youre “weird” and your parents call you “boring,” trust me, you don’t know how accurate your parents are. take their word for it, you boring brat. your stories are boring with no plot. why don’t you just kill me instead. so we can add a climax and make it a future story for you to tell your friends. “omg, i once told a story to this one girl and she killed herself because it was so boring” its understandable. atleast people will be more interested then. and um, fuck you and your prissy self. you think im crabby? hahah, no. im so done with dealing with people that can’t handle some harsh words. oh my gosh im so hurt that yukie said that. “HOLY SHIT YOU CALLED HIM A PUSSY?!” yes, what about it? “omg yukie, that’s harsh.” I KNOW ITS GODDAMN HARSH. but people need to fucking deal with it. i am me, and there’s no other version of me. if you can’t fucking handle it, then fucking remove yourself frmo my presence and, do me a favor, don’t return. you honestly asked me to see my secret rant tumblr? are you fucking kidding me? do you honestly think that i would let you see my thoughts? lets fucking think here… no. “she probably talks shit about us” yes, yes i do. because you know why? you’re all highended, self absorbed, dust collecting brats.
secondly, fucking fuck off my fucking personal space ok. i have no intentions of getting close to you anymore after you fucking act like a cocky asshole. i gave you a chance, not the fucking other way around. i shouldn’t be priviledged to hang around you judigng byt the fucking way you act towards me. dont act like you’re so fucking cool when you’re not. sorry not sorry. but no one acts like you. if you want fucking friends stop overpowering them with your opinions and actions. because quite honestly, that’s the reasons why i decided to not give two shits about you anymore. you act like you know all this shit and its “so easy” yet you cant fucking pass a physics exam and i can? wow, so much for knowing a lot. right? you have no sense of that level of respect to give to people. you can’t just force people into things and expect them to do it, are you fucking kidding? i work at my own pace, and you can fucking suck on that shit if you don’t like it. like how creepy can you even get? you fucking follow me all the way down the library LITERALLY right behind me? the fuck even? and you continue to sit near me and bother me when im attempting to study for calc? um, cool. yeah. i bet “calc 1 is easy” that i should try “calc 2” right? why don’t you go fuck yourself.